After All That, Everyone Needs a Little Nurturing
You're
overjoyed to be a father, and that's putting it mildly. So why are you
also feeling emotionally spent? After all that buildup, all the planning
and spending and drama, your child has been born…and you feel not only
run-down (that's the sleep deprivation) but also a tiny bit letdown.
Welcome to the Postpartum Dads Club, when you suddenly realize why the
word
postpartum is so often followed by
depression.
Not everyone experiences the so-called baby blues (about 10 percent of
new dads do), but expect a profusion of emotions that can last from a
few weeks to a year — in both of you (fortunately usually only one of
you at a time). Be ready. And be strong. You'll need the patience of a
saint, the endurance of a triathlete, a temper with a mile-long fuse,
and a sense of humor (big time), to work through this period of
adjustment.
What to Do This Month
- Create a new "normal."
On some level, you may have been waiting for the pregnancy to end and
life to get back to normal. Forget it — those days are history, and it's
time to work out what your new routines are. Who does the shopping now?
You should. Who does the laundry? Ditto. (How can such a small human
being generate so much laundry, anyway?) When do you both shower? (Do you
both shower?) What time do you eat? For the first time, it hits you
what it really means for your life to have changed. Don't fight it — go
with the flow, and fall into a rhythm that works (don't expect to hit
your dad stride right out of the gate, though — it'll take plenty of
time and practice).
- Get used to sleepus interruptus.
It's only fair, so take turns visiting the crib in the middle of the
night (this will be a way shorter trip if baby's sleeping in a bassinet
in your room or right next to your bed in a bedside co-sleeper). Even if
she's breastfeeding and doesn't "need" you at 3 a.m., be there (she'll
need you for the diaper change). Besides, those middle-of-the-night
cuddles are prime bonding times for all of you. Don't miss them. And
even if you're tired during the day — let her nap while you take over
baby-duty. Sure, you both need to catch up on your z's, but remember
that she's also recovering physically from childbirth (and if she's
nursing, expending plenty of energy making milk), so she definitely wins
the exhaustion competition hands down (and eyes closed)
- Keep an eye on her mood. Baby
blues are one thing (they're normal and self-limiting), but true
postpartum depression is another (it's a serious medical condition that
requires treatment). If the new mom still seems truly overwhelmed
several weeks after the baby comes home, or experiences bouts of crying,
irritability, or sleep disruptions (other than those caused by the
baby), encourage her to talk to her practitioner about it. Don't leave
it up to her if she says no — she may not recognize the signs of
depression. Go with her on her next office visit and make her 'fess up
about what's going on. Then make sure she gets the treatment she needs
to feel better.
- Be good to yourself. Your own
hormones are in flux (remember your old pal couvade?), and it's natural
for the combination of the new baby, the stress of the past nine months
and the new sense of responsibility to take their toll. In fact, one in
four dads experience paternal postnatal depression (PPND), a dad's version of postpartum depression.
You may feel left out, or you may feel overwhelmed by everything that's
expected of you. Keep your energy level up by eating well and resting
when you can. And if you suspect you have PPND, talk to your partner or a
trusted friend or family member about it, and don't hesitate to seek
professional treatment — for the health and wellness of both you and
your baby.
- Celebrate with her. Maybe you're
still so excited you can barely stand it! If the thrill of being a
father puts you in a celebratory mood, do your celebrating at home. If
you call in your buddies (to show off the baby you made), make sure they
don't overstay their welcome and that you're the one offering up
beverages and snacks and cleaning up in their wake.
- Be good to her.
Take over the bulk of the household chores for now (if you can score
some paid or volunteer domestic help that lets you both focus your
energy and attention on the new baby and each other, go for it). Bring
her a snack and a drink while she breastfeeds, rub down her shoulders
afterward. And hug her often — and for no reason at all.
- Be a 50-50 father.
Parenting, when there are two parents around, is a two-person job —
sign up for it in earnest. Share baby care (from bathing and diaper
changing to rocking and singing) equally. Don't worry that you're not
qualified for the job — no one's born knowing how to swaddle or burp (a
baby!). Moms and dads both learn on the job — one sleepless night, one
dirty diaper at a time. Still unsure of yourself? Read up on baby care (What to Expect the First Year is
a good place to start). And don't worry that you do things differently
than your spouse — every parent does things differently, and it's a
difference that your baby will love.
- Be confident that they both need you, forever. And just be plain confident — you'll pick up this dad thing in no time.
- Be patient when
it comes to sex. It may be the last thing on your mind right now — or
the last thing you have energy for. You may even be waging some inner
conflict (between the father in you and the lover in you), which will
definitely work itself out as the weeks pass. But if you find yourself
with that loving feeling, there are a few things you need to keep in
mind before you act on it. You will live to love (on a regular basis)
again — it might just take a while. First, you'll need the
practitioner's green light, but that may come weeks before hers, which
may still be yellow…or red. Remember, she's been through the wringer
physically — and so has her vagina, especially if she delivered via that
route. Second, once she agrees to give it a try — you'll need to
proceed very slowly and extremely gently. Ask her what feels good, what
hurts, what you can do to help. Focus on foreplay (for her), and don't
even consider going in for the main event until she's been well warmed
(she'll need lots of massage, and lubrication will help get her juices
going, since hormonal changes left her extra dry). And don't be
surprised if you get an accidental eyeful of milk. Laugh about it.
Topic of Conversation
Have
self-doubts when it comes to your parenting prowess? Every new parent
does (that's right, mothers too). Open up to your spouse about your
determination to excel at the job of baby care — and your nagging fears
(make that terror) that you'll flunk. Chances are she's feeling
everything you're feeling — and will be happy to unload her anxieties on
you too. (Plus, it'll help her to know your heart's in the right place,
even when the diaper's on backward.) Now's a good time, too, to divvy
up diaper duties (and other duties). Talk about the best way to do this:
50-50, straight down the line is one way to go, alternating (every
other diaper, every other bath) is another, but you can also discuss
specializing (signing up for the duties you each end up doing best — she
does diapers, you do soothing with your patented rocking moves).
This Month's Survival Tactic
The one thing you can do for the rest of your life: Love the mother.
From the What to Expect editorial team and
Heidi Murkoff, author of
What to Expect When You’re Expecting.
Health information on this site is based on peer-reviewed medical
journals and highly respected health organizations and institutions
including
ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists),
CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and
AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics), as well as the
What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff.
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